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Tan Lines

Jaimie took off her bathing suit and stood naked in front of me.

“Look at me,” she said.

Never one to be told twice, I looked at her and my mouth fell open.

“Holy moly,” I said as I pulled out my phone. “I’ve got to take a picture of this.”

Now normally when Jaimie is naked in front of me my phone is the last thing on my mind. But to see what the sun and bikini had done to her pale white torso was one of the funniest things I’d ever seen. Her skin was five different colors. Tan lines from weeks in the park. Tan lines from the playground at work. And now you could make out her entire bikini. It was like she had taken a white highlighter to red paper. Her butt cheeks were paler than Donald Trump’s base. The side of her bikini had three slits in the fabric, and there they were, three little red marks on the side of her leg. I showed her the picture I took. She frantically attacked me and deleted it immediately with a vow that I would never see her naked again.

I’m not without my own vacation injury. Between the beach and the pool my left ear is completely water logged. I said, “Huh” so much yesterday afternoon I think they’re going to make me an honorary resident of the state of Florida.

Get it… Because old people live here…and they can’t hear very well…


“Is it weird that I’m enjoying the commercials?”

That was Jaimie’s question as she held the remote in her hand, staring at a guy bragging about his low prices on dishwashers and other home appliances.

There’s a TV in the hotel. Obviously. I believe that’s pretty standard now a days. There’s also a shower and a toilet in the room. And this really soft thing we lay on when we’re sleepy.

Now Jaimie and I haven’t had cable in who knows how long. It’s a much different viewing experience than binge watching Big Little Lies. There are so many options. With Netflix and Hulu I don’t watch anything I’m not fully invested in. With cable I was flipping through, popping in on that movie Disturbia, watching some show about sex injuries. That particular episode featured clowns so that didn’t last long. There was a show called Parking Wars. We clicked on it for a minute. IT’S ABOUT A GUY GIVING PEOPLE PARKING TICKETS. THAT’S IT. THAT’S THE SHOW. THAT GUY’S GOT A TELEVISION SERIES AND I DON’T????

As my rage black out subsided, we finally settled on The Bachelorette. Now I don’t live under a rock. I am aware of the massive ratings sensation that is The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I just have never watched an episode and am not familiar with its oeuvre.

Oh. My God.

We sat there rapt for two hours eating spaghetti horrified yet thrilled about what was playing out in front of us. Who the fuck is this Luke P dude? There’s a ten percent chance we’re going to binge watch the entire season in the next two days.


So vacation is going just as expected! Nursing our wounds from this life of luxury. Eating watermelon for breakfast. Watching The Bachelorette. Remembering that Jaimie isn’t just my girlfriend, but also one of my favorite people in the world to be around.

And that no matter what happens, it won’t be another three years before we do this again.

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