“Remember our Netflix system?” Jaimie asked.
(Quick reminder of our Netflix system. I choose three movies I’m cool with watching, Jaimie makes the final selection. It basically saves relationships. For full context go read yesterday’s blog.)
“How about I show you three rings that I love, and you pick the one you like.”
As the words left her mouth, I swear that the Hallelujah Chorus started playing. Light shined from the heavens. She gives me three options and I just have to pick one! This was perfect! This was ideal! I wasn’t going to have to go to Zales!
Before I had time to agree to this brilliant proposition, Jaimie was handing me back my computer. “So these are the three rings.”
Damn that was fast.
There they were. Three tabs with three gem stone rings. While all of them were beautiful, there was one she loved way more than the others. She must have gone back to it ten times in a minute and a half. “I’ve been staring at this one for weeks.” It’s like the ring was a puppy in the pound, and it and Jaimie locked eyes and couldn’t stop staring at each other. There was some sort of mystical connection. If the ring was a person I would have asked Jaimie if she wanted me to give them some privacy.
I clicked on the Etsy link. It was a blue Umba Sapphire, from the Umba River in Tanzania. Sapphire just happens to be Jaimie’s birthstone. The ring was made by an artisan in Raeford, NC, a small town near Fayetteville. Want to make a wild guess as to where Jaimie was born?
“But any of these three would be fine,” Jaimie said as she looked at the puppy, I mean the Umba Sapphire ring one more time.
I wanted some more information, so I took the commuter and clicked on this ring . It was in the price range, that was good. And it was beautiful. Damn it was beautiful. Even I could see that.
But wait… According to the Etsy account, this ring was being looked at by three other people. And apparently one of them had put the ring in their cart. Oh no. That’s not good. Especially because I was pretty sure Jaimie had already given it a name.
The thought of Jaimie settling for her second choice made my heart ache. (Insert joke about Me already being her second choice.)
Because Jaimie’s had to deal with a lot to be with me! She’s had to become a character in my blogs. In my show. She’s had to deal with my health challenges, my income, my nine months of being a vegan. She’s dealt with me going on the road, my obsession with the Cubs, my family. With me judging the amount of sugar she puts in her tea. Or how I make fun of her for being 30 years old and still eating Pop Tarts. It’s a lot! And if she is insane enough to want to marry me then dammit it the least I can do is take this computer, grow a pair of balls, and get her the ring she wants!
(I apologize for the use of the phrase “grow a pair of balls.” It feels a little sexist, but it’s a very funny image nonetheless.)
I grabbed the computer and went into my office. “What are you doing,” Jaimie asked as I shut the door and locked it behind me.
I put the ring in the cart and immediately went to the checkout. Whoever else was looking at this thing picked the wrong day to dally around.
I pulled out my credit card, put in the numbers, hit enter and poof! The ring was mine. Well it was hers. Ours. At the moment, it was mine.
I left the office and arrogantly walked back to the living room. I felt like a smooth operator. Like a bad ass. Like someone who had taken charge of his life and grown a pair of balls.
“What did you just do?” Jaimie asked. I was unable to tell if she was excited or freaked out.
“Nothing. I didn’t do anything,” I said. The size of my head was quickly outgrowing the apartment.
“Then what is this email I just received?”
You see, I don’t really buy things. Since I don’t really buy things, I don’t have an Etsy account. And if I’m being honest, I don’t really know how Etsy works. And in my rush to purchase this ring Jaimie was in love with out from someone else’s cart, I bought the thing under Jaimie’s account. So here I am acting like the coolest dude on the planet, thinking I’ve got this big secret, and Jaimie is getting messages thanking her for the engagement ring that was just purchased from her account.
The balls I had grown left as quickly as they came.
I turned around and went back to my office. I pulled up Jaimie’s email and quickly saw what a moron I was. I forwarded the Etsy emails to my address, deleted them from her account, and came back out pretending to not know what she was talking about.
For the next five weeks I embarked on the worst attempt at Gaslighting the world has ever seen. I acted like I knew nothing about any recent Etsy purchases. And she acted like she wasn’t falling asleep looking at the Umba river sapphire engagement ring that was being made especially for her in the town where she was born.