My life now feels like two parts, BC and AD. Before Cancer and After the Disease.
Of course this is all still so new to me and it’s probably silly making grand pronouncements when I am just at the beginning of this new phase of my life, but it certainly has the feeling of a sea change. Or at least a wake up call. But not the kind where you hit snooze for another hour and half and slowly drag yourself out of the bed. This is more the kind where you dart up and think to yourself- holy shit I’m late???
Late for what I have no idea. Being late assumes you were supposed to be somewhere on time, but where we are is where we are supposed to be. I can be late to events, but I don’t think there is a being late to your life.
But something has shifted in my thoughts. I used to think “what do I want out of life?” Which now all of a sudden seems like the most pointless question in the world. What do I want out of life? Like there is someone out there taking my order. Like I’m at a Denny’s choosing between a Club Sandwich and Grand Slam. (#clubsandwich) Like life is some restaurant and there is a menu and I just sit down and say “I’ll have all my hopes and dreams please.” And then if everything doesn’t come to the table exactly the way I wanted exactly when I wanted is there a manager I can call over. Like God is just some assistant manager at a casual dining restaurant chain who is going to do everything he can to ensure all my specifications are met. And then if my order still isn’t fixed is there a Yelp where I can go and voice my complaints? Or do I just save that bitching for friends and family? “Hey there friends and siblings, here is Yelp review on my life. And sit down because it’s long and full of detail.”
What I want out of life. What a stupid question. The thing is I don’t think life cares. I think we are here for a time and here for a reason and the one thing we can do is try to figure out that reason and come to love and accept it. What BC Davey wanted out of life was to be rich and famous. And while AD Davey would certainly still like those things what I’m currently more interested in is what I can add to the equation, not what the equation can give to me. It feels better. And simpler. And happier.
That and not referring to myself in third person. Not even cancer gets you off the hook for that.