Yesterday my computer reminded me that it was Independence Day. Not sure why I needed that reminder. Pretty sure I could have figured it out from the explosions going off outside of my front door. I didn’t realize that Independence Day was celebrating freedom from laws governing explosive devices in crowded apartment complexes.
When I was a kid, I hated to spend the night away from home. I used to always wake up in the middle of the night, there in the dark, in a strange bed, so far from morning. I wanted the light to come in so I could wake up and go be in my own space.
I thought about that feeling today, because it is officially the half way point of my treatment. I’m in the middle of my off week between treatments 6 and 7. Yesterday I was closer to the beginning than the end, tomorrow I’ll be closer to the end than the beginning.
But today, I’m close to neither.
It’s exciting, but also a little daunting. I currently can’t see the light at the beginning of the tunnel or at the end of it.
I think now is the hard part. Knowing what to expect; the novelty being gone. Not that there was very much novelty. Full disclosure- after the first treatments, there was something nice about being waited on hand and foot, but now… it just sucks feeling sick.
Back at the beginning of the year, when I was not feeling well and had no idea what was wrong with me, it was the not knowing that drove me crazy. Now it’s the knowing that’s
hard. Knowing how the chemo will feel, knowing that my mouth will taste like metal longer, knowing that the chemo brain will last until Monday, knowing I’ll have to sit there forever in that chair, knowing the HGTV, knowing the parking garage, knowing the ride home, knowing the fanny pack, and knowing that today I’m right in the middle of it all.
Also- I’m a huge sports fan and second halves are always harder than the firsts. No one cares about the front nine of the Masters, it’s the back half where champions are made. Ask the Atlanta Falcons what it’s like to win the first half of the Super Bowl.
So happy halftime to me! I’ll have a sandwich and pretend like I’m in the club house between 9 and 10. Tomorrow I’ll be one step closer to home.
Whatever that is.