July 18, 2017

Chemo brain was crazy this weekend. My mind felt like Usain Bolt. Everything was too much for me to handle. Information was coming at me too fast, I couldn’t sleep, I closed my eyes and it was like the horse from the opening credits of Westworld. Just running and running and running. And then I got scared I was going to choke. That was a new feeling. I was eating a sandwich like, “If I choke, could my brain handle it?” Then it got me thinking about how messed up would that be- I get cancer and then I choke on a ham sandwich. Not even a turkey club or a reuben. A fucking ham and cheese on Sara Lee Honey Wheat Bread. That’s right! Not even bread I like! Just some shit that was on sale at Kroger. The horror! 


But today I feel fine. If cancer has taught me anything it’s to hold on through the chaos. There’s always something on the other side. 


Luckily the peak of my chemo brain happened at my parents house, and my favorite thing about my parents is that I don’t have to impress them. Seriously- if I had to list the things I’m most thankful for in this life, having parents I don’t have to impress is right at the top. I got to their house and was like:

Me: I’m feeling crazy, I need to lay down.


Mom and Dad: Ah, yeah, that’s fine. 


Dad goes back to cutting the grass. Mom and Jaimie talk about thrift stores.


End of play


Morning is my favorite time of the day. I love it. It could be because I’ve been sober for almost 9 years and coffee is the only drug I take. I wait for my alarm clock like most people wait for Happy Hour. I’m like, “It’s six o’clock, I’m about to get jacked!” 


But mornings are my favorite. Especially when I’m on vacation. In college my friends and I used to go to the mountains a couple of times a year. I would wake up, get stoned, make coffee, get a bowl of granola, take it outside, grab a handful of blueberries off the blueberry bush, and just sit there and watch life wake up around me. It was heavenly. Then when I would come back inside, people would be stirring. There was something about the slowness of the morning, the fact that it was just us, just being ourselves, no where to be, no one to impress, that leant itself to the best times and the hardest laughter. 


Yes I’m sure the pot had something to do with it, but that can’t be the whole story. People are less complicated when we first wake up. Our needs are simpler. We need muffins and toast and coffee. That is shit we can handle. And as we meet those simple needs, laying around in our shorts and pjs, the whole day stretched out in front of us, I don't know, people just seem softer. At night we have to go out to dinner or to the bars and there is pressure to have fun and meet girls and make the most of things. Not in the mornings. In the mornings we are truly ourselves.

Those are the relationships I want in my life now. Morning ones. I’ve spent way too much time trying to impress people. Whether it be my acting or writing or how much I drank or how funny I was or how many gigs I had lined up. Now I just want to do what I do. If you like it great, if not, that’s great too. 


It’s a little sad that it took cancer to get to me to that point but hey, there’s always something on the other side. 







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