You ever feel like you are in the beginning stages of a radical reordering of your life?
This past semester my students floored me. I already wrote about the one who was into birding:
One of my other students wrote a piece about identity. About how and why they define themselves the way they do, and everything that has played a part of that.
As I’ve made my way in and out of doctor’s offices these past few weeks, I’ve become very aware of the words I’m using to describe myself.
I read Richard Rohr every day. One of the things he talks about is getting the shape of God right. That if we can get the shape right, then maybe other things will start to fall into place.
What is the shape of me?
I don’t like saying, “I have it.” Like, “I have cancer.” I don’t own this thing. I’m not inviting friends over and showing it off- “Lookie what I have!” Besides, I’m very interested in not having it any more, so why would I reinforce my ownership of something I never asked for and didn’t want in the first place!
Patient sounds too passive. Feels like I’m just sitting here waiting for something bad to happen.
Survivor sounds a little cocky, and I’m not in the business of tempting fate.
Fighter isn’t really me. Plus the second we think the word ‘fight’ our mind/body registers a threat, activating our fight or flight instinct, which causes stress, which makes it impossible to heal. You know, according to the last three books I’ve read.
So I’ve decided to go with healing. I’m not a patient, I’m fighting, it’s not something I have, it’s something I’m in the process of healing from.
I don’t know. Feels like a pretty good shape.