I’m trying out a new motto.
It’s “Win Today.”
Now before you make fun of me, please know that I am well aware that “Win Today” is the corniest thing I’ve ever written. The Gen X-er in me hates myself for even thinking it. That motto should come with a complimentary membership to Cross Fit. It should be behind me on a giant sign while I give some bullshit TED talk. It’s not me at all. I’m funny. I’m cynical. I make fun of people who say things like “Win Today” and you know what, forget you even read that and go back to picturing me in the back of a bar, listening to Radiohead, smoking American Spirits, making fun of everyone around me.
Dammit don’t do that either. I wrote it and it’s what I meant.
Here’s what happened:
Friday night I had a bit of a freak out. I was having treatment in the morning, my first treatment in a month. And while I’m feeling better, there is still some discrepancy with the scans so I was nervous as to whether or not the medicine was actually working. Also I had been to see my old doctors at Emory a few days earlier and they want me to take part in a clinical trial. It’s hard to hear clinical trail and not feel like a guinea pig so that was tying me in knots. Add to that the fact that Jaimie wasn’t feeling well which I was convinced was a psychosomatic response to her worrying about me and my parents are worried and my sisters are worried and everyone is always so fucking worried and it was the perfect recipe for me staring at the ceiling, eyes wide shut, watching the fear receptors in my brain do fireworks in the dark.
On the bright side, since I couldn’t sleep the night before, the moment I sat in the chair and they gave me my shot of Benadryl I passed out and didn’t wake up until I had 20 minutes left of my medicine.
I’ve heard fear described as one of two things: either losing the things you have or not getting the things you want. I’m pretty afraid of being stabbed in the face, I’m not sure which one that would fall under. Probably both. But it dawned upon me- if what I’m afraid of losing time, and I’m spending the time I have being worried about time I might not get, then what is the point?
For those of you who aren't stoned, let me repeat myself. I have time now. So if I spend that time worried about future time that may or may not exist, then what’s the point of the time I’m experiencing currently?
That’s when the phrase “Win Today” popped into my brain.
Gross, I thought to myself. Did I go and join a Cross Fit location?
There is was again. Win Today.
But what does that even mean?
I’ll spend the next couple of blogs sorting it all out.