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Fast Pass at the Haunted House

One thing about cancer, it makes Halloween a lot less scary. “Something in my body is trying to destroy me from the inside. But oh no, a black cat.”

Tomorrow is Halloween, and it is one of Jaimie’s favorite holidays,

which means tonight and tomorrow we will take a break from our regularly scheduled RuPaul’s Drag Race to watch horror movies.

I’ve never really liked horror movies. Maybe it’s because when I was seven I watched one of the Nightmare on Elm Streets and was convinced that Freddy Kruger was going to murder me while I slept. Ever since then I’ve done all I can to avoid them. My ex-wife wasn’t really into them, so that was cool. My last girlfriend, however, liked them so occasionally I would have to sit through one. Once she made me watch The Others with Nicole Kidman and I was so scared I didn’t talk to her for the rest of the night.

Jaimie, though, is really into them, and over the past four years the amount of horror movies I’ve watched has increased exponentially. I’ve watched both of the It’s, I’ve seen Paranormal Activity and Midsommar. I watched the latest Halloween in the movie theatre and have several seasons of American Horror Story under my belt. We watched the Haunting of Hill House, almost all the Walking Deads, and for the next two nights we’ll be adding new titles to the gory list.

The movies this season are extra important, because for the first time in the almost five years we’ve been together, I will not be taking Jaimie to a Haunted House.

Going to a Haunted House is part of the price of admission if you want to date Jaimie. You’re going to listen to a lot of Taylor Swift, and once a year you’re going to drop some money and go to a Haunted House. It’s in the bylaws. It’s in the service agreement. It’s part of the deal.

The one we’ve been going is called Mad World out in Anderson. It’s part haunted house, part walk in the woods. Between the walking and the plethora of fog machines, we decided it might be too rough on my lungs, so this year I’m getting a pass.

Which means next Halloween I’m going to be on the hook for something MAJOR.

I have to admit, I will miss the Haunted House. I hated them at first, but now there’s something nostalgic about them. I won’t miss the price. That’s for sure. Ticket are $30. $30! And if you want the Fast Pass, they’re $55 each!

Not that I’ve ever gotten the Fast Pass. I stand in line for an hour with the rest of the plebeians. Every year I rue the fact that I don’t get it. I chide myself for my poor life choices. “I should have been a lawyer,” I think to myself as I join the end of the line. But then again, if you get the Fast Pass, it’s over so quickly. You park, you walk through the gate, go right into the haunted house, and thirty minutes later you’re back in the car and your night is over.

While standing in the line sucks, that’s also part of the experience! What’s a haunted house without being shoulder to shoulder with vaping teenagers, watching them snap chatting their friends and getting caught up in their spooky Tik Tok videos. Or judging the divorced dads who in an effort to be cool have brought their kids to the haunted house despite the fact that they are way too young for the experience. Without the line you would miss the smell of the bonfire, and the characters walking around scaring people. You would miss the off duty cops talking to the workers, relieved they drew Mad World duty. You’d miss the sounds of the chain saws, and the people screaming as they run out the other end of the trail. That’s what I wind up remembering from the haunted house. Not the monsters or the fake blood, but, but the weirdos standing in line. And the fact that Jaimie and I are right there with them.

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