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I’m an Uncle. My nephew, Patrick, is about to turn a year and a half. Which is strange considering he was literally born yesterday.

I gotta say, being an uncle is super fun. We live in the same town, and it’s one of my great joys to be able to spend time with him, see him grow, and then return him to my sister as soon as he gets sleepy and starts to cry.

The other day I was with him at my parents’ house and he was eating apple pieces.

You know, as one does.

Now Patrick really likes apple pieces. He likes them so much that he does this thing where he puts one in his mouth, and puts another one in right away. It must be a familial trait, because that’s what I used to do with vodka tonics. I’d have sip, place the glass on the bar, and promptly order five more.

I preformed a joke a handful of times. It was funny to me, but it never got a laugh. Here’s what it was: “I ‘played’ Junior Varsity basketball. I put ‘played’ in quotation marks because I mainly just sat on the bench and stared at the coach hoping he would put me in. I desperately tried to make eye contact, knowing that if he looked into my eyes, he would know how badly I wanted to play. It’s weird, because the only time I look that way at someone now is when I’m sitting at a crowded bar, trying to get the bartender to serve me. ‘Pick me, pick me, I’ll do good by you, I swear.’’

It might not be hilarious, but you get the drift. I thought about that joke while I was watching baby Patrick knock back these apple pieces like it was the start of a three day weekend when all of a sudden, I noticed his mouth was totally full!

Little dude hadn’t been swallowing them!

I jumped into Uncle Mode, which means I made him open his mouth and spit the apples into my hand. Who said parenting was hard???

He still wanted apples, so I came up with a system. I would give him one apple piece, and wouldn’t give him another until he had swallowed the one in his mouth. You’re right, I SHOULD start a blog on modern day parenting.

There was a problem. How could I determine if he had actually swallowed the apple piece? I had to have proof, visual proof. That’s when I decided that before I gave him another one, I would make him open his mouth and say AHHH.

I. Am. A. Genius.

I held the apple piece towards him. As I reached for it I said, “Say AHHHH.”


“Good boy. Now here’s you’re Stoli and tonic. I mean apple piece.”

When he asked for another I made him say “Ah” again. Same with the next and the next and you get my drift. I used to drink a lot of vodka.

It was really cute. Maybe the cutest thing I’ve ever seen ever. And yes I have seen that video of otters floating on their backs holding hands.

Now it’s out little thing. I saw him on Friday, gave him a Cheerio, “Say Ahhh.” “AHHH.” And he laughs. He was over at my apartment on Sunday, he asked for a Fig Newton. We did the say “Ahh” thing again.

That’s the magic of children. They make simple things hilarious. To get him to laugh, all I have to do is hand him an apple piece and tell him to say AHH.

Maybe I should have done that to audiences after I told them that joke.

David: Pick me, I’ll do good by you, I swear!

Audience: (Silence)

David: Say AHHHH

Audience: (Laugher)

End of play.

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